Extended Family Vacations & Setting Boundaries - Amuse Bouche #2

Welcome back to Amoose Boosh, where you are getting just a little bit of Bridget before our weekly Dinner Plus Drinks release on Sunday. Today on Amoose Boosh, I'm talking about family vacations, how they've changed, how I prepare for them, adjusting expectations, and even a little bit about setting boundaries. Since we're coming up on the 4th of July, I thought I'd dive right in to what we do each and every year for the 4th. So here we go. Happy early 4th of July to you. I'm wondering if that's a big holiday for people or if it's just kind of another hot weekend day. This year it happens to fall on a Sunday, which is wonderful for everybody going out of town, which includes us. Every year since 2009, I think, maybe 2008, I've been going to my in-laws family cottage. So they have a place in Michigan. I learned early on, I'm used to saying, you know, we're going to our cabin up north. This is not a cabin, it is a cottage. And there is a distinct difference, I guess. I think I'm still learning what that is, you know, 15 years later or so. Um, 10 years, 11 years, math is not my strong suit, everybody. Alright, so wanted to talk through the cottage. Um, my in-laws, um, so my husband is one of six boys, so lots of family dynamics. Um, and every year the cottage is a place that everyone is welcome to come over 4th of July. Um, it is meant to be a place full of fun and laughter, it's right on the water, it's in between um a small lake, a lot, you know, similar to Lake Geneva where I live, um, and Lake Michigan. So there's lots of opportunity of things to do, but it is originally when we started going, no internet, you barely got cell service, so it was really meant to be the place that you got to go and really disconnect. So my first year, of course, um I was terrified because I love making a good impression on the parents, and I had been part of the family for a while now, but we were just dating. Tyler and I were not allowed to sleep in the same room at least for a couple years. I'm not actually sure how many years, but um anyway, I won't go too in depth with all of that. But the cottage holds um very special place in um my husband's life and now my life now that I've been going for so long, and our kids have been going now since they were born. Um, so holidays are a big deal in my family. So before Tyler and I started dating, got married, um, my family always made a big deal about them. So Tyler and I have been playing this holiday juggle game for a long time of trying to see everybody and make every day special, you know, and um making sure we get time with all of the people that are important to us. So early on we decided that 4th of July will always belong to Tyler's side of the family. Um, and then really he does a lot more with my family for things around Christmas. We split up Thanksgiving. So 4th of July, non-negotiable, this is where we're going. So I uh I have allowed myself to um always work myself up before this trip for a variety of reasons. So I really work myself up before all holidays because I'm a control freak and I have had to let go of a lot of that control. So my fellow type A's out there tell me I'm not alone. So I've been spending all week. Um, you'll be happy to know I'm recording this episode at an hour that's far too late because I've spent the whole week laying out stuff that we should pack. Um, all we really need is a swimsuit and some pajamas, but I get so worried about making sure the kids are entertained and we have everything we need. And uh, what if they're too loud and they wake up the other siblings in the house and I stress out about what should be a really fun time. So, really, you thought I'd come on here and tell you all about our fun family vacation. So it is fantastic. But what I wanted to tell you about is if you're struggling with the same kind of uh anxiety before you go on a trip, I want to tell you a couple things that I found really helpful in these past couple years. Um, since having kids, the cottage has become more challenging for me because I'm keenly aware of this being a really special time in all of my um in-laws, my brother-in-laws, and their families um vacation it's their vacation, you know, and they may not necessarily uh want screaming children around. So uh myself and then um one of my other brother-in-laws are the only two of the six that have children uh currently. So we spend a lot of time making sure our kids are, we don't leave them with my other brother-in-laws to be watched. We want to make sure we're watching them and we want to take them away if they're being too loud or obnoxious because we want everyone else to still be able to enjoy their quiet book on the porch. Um, so anyway, I this year ran across an article. Um, there's a a website called Tiny Buddha. Um, and I will post the full article in the show notes if you're curious about this, but I ran across an article about boundaries and how to set them in a compassionate way. And I feel like boundaries have been like the buzzword of um 2020, 2021. Really, the article discusses that like they've been uh in the past decade, it like um boundary setting has been a big deal. I'm late to the game, so uh it just feels like it's been part of the conversation lately. Um so what I found interesting in this article uh is a few things, but they talk about boundaries being divided in two categories. So uh they call it shield boundaries and sandbox boundaries. Shield boundaries are like nope, is just a more polite way of saying no. Well, I am very bad at saying no. I'm a yes person. I generally want to be helpful where I can, and I I am trying not to ruffle feathers, and so I definitely say yes and overextend myself more than I should, and I know that's an issue. So shield boundaries, big challenge for me. But the next um boundary setting technique, I suppose, that um is referred to is called sandbox boundaries. And so it's talking about a sandbox full of a whole bunch of stuff, and imagine that you can only dig in and take up, you know, you should be digging in and only taking your things. So it specifically says, quote, you avoid picking up your mother's guilt, your partner's debt, your boss's anxiety, and your friend's insecurity. They are not yours to carry. So that's lovely. So you only carry your stuff out of the sandbox. So what Tyler and I have spent a lot of time talking through with the cottage is, hey, we can only control what we can control, which I say I use the cottage as an example because that's what's coming up in my life most pressing. Um, so we're gonna do the best we can, but uh you need to have the conversations if they're a challenge, and um it's something we're constantly working on. So, anyways, this article about boundary setting is fantastic. Whether you're going on a family vacation or if you just generally have a hard time saying no to things, um, or if you you don't want to have a hard conversation because it's uncomfortable. So I found it really helpful. I'll post it in the show notes. Um, but beyond boundaries, um, the I'm finding that's super important. The next most important thing to me is like adjust the heck out of your expectations. Um, if you have kids, you know that a vacation maybe isn't necessarily a vacation in the same way that you're used to. So a vacation with kids is um honestly, I think, a pretty selfless thing. You're bringing your kids to create memories, and you're creating memories, of course, but really you're you're still dealing with your same everyday life just in a different location, right? So I was talking to my best friend on the phone uh tonight, and she and I were we're both doing a large family gathering this weekend. Um, she's traveling about three and a half hours away, and I'm traveling five, and we were like, yeah, it's not a vacation when you're all sleeping in one room, like in a bed that you're not used to, and you're trying, you know, and of course we're we're just being whiny with one another. Um, so adjust your expectations and think of it as a fun campo in a room. And we really have gotten better with that since we've been taking our kids to the cottage. Um, Elliot went for the first time when he was three months old. Lucy went when she was three weeks old. Um, so we've really been taking them since they were born and we've just changed it. I love nothing more at the cottage now than getting my butt covered in sand and building sandcastles, where I used to be like, gosh, I can't wait to read a whole book while sitting on the beach and getting a tan. That is not what happens anymore. And honestly, it's more fun building these sandcastles and seeing these memories now through my kids' eyes, which I know sounds cheesy, but it's true. So super excited about seeing those things. So if you adjust your expectations, set a couple healthy boundaries, which is easier said than done. So far you're doing great. And then also start packing all week long because honestly, no joke, our hallway is lined with different piles for each of the kids' things. Um, Tyler was in charge of technology and toys, and I was in charge of clothing, uh, etc. You know, beach gear, things like that. So we think we've got it all, but we'll see. Um I want to wrap this little segment up about my 4th of July going to the cottage uh discussion here, with really just saying that um our cottage time is super special, and this is one of 500 examples, but I think it's really important to grow up with traditions. Um, and to us, we do the same thing every year at the cottage. Um, there's certain things that we do every single year. We take our kids' picture in the same spot, we measure them on the growth chart on the wall. Um, I didn't grow up in this cottage, I was just welcomed into it by my in-laws. So um it's been really cool now to have my kids grow up as part of it. Um, and I will certainly be sharing on other traditions as a moose bouche goes on because I think they're really important. Um, it's a really cool piece of life, life that my parents uh raised us with really well. And there are traditions that my parents raised us with that we still, my sisters and I still do. Um talking about Christmas, everybody. So um anyway, if you the the memories that live in the walls of this cottage are are nuts, and it's really cool to look back at the generations. There's still some decor. Um, one of my favorite things about the cottage is there's still decor that was it's from the 70s, I would say. Specifically, there's a rug in the bathroom that I love. Um, the linens are the same, and all of those things have a story. And so as I meet more and more and discuss, you know, chat more and more and spend more time with extended members of my in-laws' family, uh, you get to kind of hear different stories about those things, and that's the best part about the cottage. Uh, sitting there, having dinner, like we all sit around one huge table and um tell all those stories, and I can't wait to do it for years to come. So, family vacations can, of course, be a lot to handle on the front end. And then um, I'm preaching to the choir here. This is really just me reminding myself to take a deep breath and remember that um you're on vacation after all, and you're really lucky to be able to do something like this. So take a little breather, build a sand castle, and enjoy the heck out of those memories that you are making. Have a super safe and fun 4th of July, everybody. Thanks so much for hanging out and listening to Amose Boosh. Catch our regularly, a regularly recorded episode of Dinner Plus Drinks on Sunday, and we will see you next week. Bye bye.